Dear Coffee-Fueled Book Promoters,

First of all, thank you. Truly. Never in my life have I been contacted by so many people so deeply passionate about helping my books “reach thousands of readers” all, apparently, for the price of a cappuccino. ☕

You all seem to represent exclusive groups of 2,000 book enthusiasts who will happily read and review my work… provided, of course, that I supply the croissants and coffee at a modest $10 per reader. What a deal.

However, I’ve noticed a few curious coincidences: 

• Not one of you has a website.
• Not one of you has social media.
• Every single one of you has a Gmail account that looks suspiciously new.
• And, strangely enough, despite your “2,000 avid readers,” I’ve yet to see a single review appear anywhere.

Collectively, I must have been contacted by marketers claiming to reach over 50,000 readers. Which, if even remotely true, would mean my books should be topping the charts by now and yet, here we are.

So, in the spirit of good humour and caffeine dependency, I’ll make things simple:

 If you’re a legitimate marketing agency, with a verifiable online presence, a portfolio, and ideally not a Gmail address that sounds like a Wi-Fi password… great, drop me a line.

Otherwise, please consider this my polite but firm unsubscribe. I won’t be responding to any more spoof marketing requests though I do appreciate the daily entertainment.

Warm regards (and lukewarm coffee),

Kevin Gill

 Author, Publisher, and Veteran of 50,000 “Guaranteed Bestseller” Emails