One of the most confusing aspects of a relationship with a narcissist is that the smear campaign often begins long before the relationship ends.

Many people assume that a smear campaign starts after a breakup as a way of damaging an ex-partner's reputation. In reality, it can begin months or even years earlier. The narcissist starts laying the groundwork by carefully controlling the narrative they share with others.

This is often done through the recruitment of what are commonly known as "flying monkeys."

The term comes from The Wizard of Oz and refers to people who are used, knowingly or unknowingly, to carry out the narcissist's agenda. They may be friends, family members, colleagues or mutual acquaintances. Some actively participate in spreading rumours or gossip, while others simply accept the narcissist's version of events without ever hearing the other side of the story.

What makes this particularly painful is that many of these same people were once being told how wonderful you were.

At the beginning of my relationship, I was presented as the perfect partner. Friends and family heard about how happy we were, how much we loved each other and the future we were supposedly building together.

Then something started to change.

I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but I began noticing subtle differences in how some people interacted with me. Conversations felt different. Some people seemed more distant. Comments were made that left me feeling as though opinions about me were being formed without my knowledge.

Whether it was real or not, I started to feel that the warmth that had once been there was fading. Discussions about other people's relationships often felt strangely directed towards my own. Looking back, I now recognise that some of these conversations may have been examples of projection, where someone attributes their own behaviours or feelings to another person.

At the time, I had no proof that anything was being said behind my back.

I simply had a growing sense that perceptions of me were changing.

Then came the moment that made me question whether that feeling had been right all along.

One day I was "accidentally" sent a screenshot of a quote. The message read:

"He's not the man you thought he was."

When I questioned it, I was told it had come from a group chat and had been sent to me by mistake. I was assured it was actually referring to an ex-husband and had nothing to do with me.

Maybe that explanation was true.

Maybe it wasn't.

But for the first time, I found myself wondering whether a different story about me was being told when I wasn't in the room.

It was also the moment I began noticing other small inconsistencies, little things that didn't quite add up. Looking back, it felt as though tiny cracks were beginning to appear in the version of reality I had been asked to believe.

The problem with smear campaigns is that they rarely begin with outrageous accusations. Instead, they often start with small comments, half-truths and carefully crafted suggestions.

The narcissist might tell people they are "worried" about you.

They may suggest that you're difficult, controlling, emotionally unstable, jealous or impossible to please.

They present themselves as the victim while quietly rewriting the history of the relationship.

Over time, these small comments accumulate. By the time the relationship ends, some people have already been conditioned to view you through a distorted lens.

One of the hardest lessons I learned was that you cannot control what other people choose to believe.

When you discover that false narratives may have been shared about you, the temptation is to defend yourself to everyone. To explain. To provide evidence. To set the record straight.

The reality is that people who genuinely know your character will judge you by your actions, not by someone else's version of events.

Those who are determined to believe the worst about you often made that decision long before they ever heard your side of the story.

The smear campaign is not about truth.

It is about control.

It allows the narcissist to protect their image, justify their behaviour and avoid accountability while gathering sympathy and validation from others.

If you have experienced this, remember that your reputation is built over years, not destroyed by a few conversations behind closed doors.

Eventually, patterns repeat.

Eventually, contradictions emerge.

And eventually, many of the people who were persuaded to believe the narrative begin to see the inconsistencies for themselves.

You do not need to spend your life defending yourself against stories that were never true in the first place.

Your character will always speak louder than someone else's accusations.

Further Reading

Many of the themes discussed in this blog are explored in my book The Narcissist Handbook, where I examine manipulation tactics including gaslighting, projection, trauma bonding, devaluation and smear campaigns.