One of the biggest questions people ask after leaving a toxic relationship is: “Do narcissists actually know what they’re doing?” If someone can lie, manipulate, or love-bomb so convincingly, surely they must realise it?

The truth is more complicated. Not every narcissist is self-aware, and many genuinely don’t see themselves as narcissistic at all. Others know and use it to their advantage. And to make things even more confusing, avoidant personalities can sometimes look very similar.

Lack of Self-Awareness

Many narcissists don’t recognise their behaviour as unhealthy. To them, control, manipulation, or arrogance are simply ways of coping. Their worldview justifies their actions — which means they rarely stop to question them.

Defence Mechanisms

Narcissism often grows out of fragile self-esteem. Admitting “I’m a narcissist” would expose the very vulnerability they are desperate to hide. Instead, they lean on defence mechanisms such as:

• Blame-shifting (“you’re the problem, not me”)
• Projection (accusing you of the things they’re doing themselves)
• Denial (refusing to face reality)

The Spectrum of Narcissism

Not everyone with narcissistic traits has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Some people are just self-absorbed or entitled, and may even admit they’re difficult. But those with full-blown NPD rarely accept the label — it threatens the mask they depend on.

The Narcissists Who Do Know

Some narcissists are highly self-aware. They know how charming, manipulative, or destructive they can be, and they use those traits deliberately. These individuals are often the most damaging because their behaviour isn’t just automatic — it’s calculated.

Where Avoidant Personalities Fit In

This is where confusion often sets in. Avoidant personalities can look similar to narcissists because they withdraw, go cold, or struggle with intimacy. But the reason behind the behaviour is very different.

• Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) is rooted in fear of rejection and deep feelings of inadequacy. Avoidant people pull away because they believe they’re “not good enough” or are terrified of being hurt.
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rooted in fragile self-esteem but plays out as a need for control, admiration, and dominance. Narcissists withdraw to punish, manipulate, or maintain power.

To a partner, both can feel like abandonment. The avoidant pulls away from fear; the narcissist pulls away from ego. Knowing the difference helps make sense of the chaos.

Can They Ever Become Self-Aware?

 Some narcissists only start to recognise their behaviour after repeated relationship breakdowns, therapy, or personal crises. Even then, true acceptance is rare because it means confronting the very identity they’ve built to survive. 

So, do narcissists know they’re narcissists? Most don’t. A few do and weaponise it. Others blur into avoidance, where fear of intimacy causes as much pain as manipulation.

Whatever the case, one thing remains: their lack of self-awareness is not your responsibility. Your healing begins when you see the patterns for what they are and choose yourself.