When you’ve been through a painful relationship, it’s easy to lump every confusing, distant, or hurtful behaviour into one box: narcissism. But not everyone who pulls away, goes cold, or leaves you feeling invisible is necessarily a narcissist. Sometimes, what you’re actually experiencing is an avoidant attachment style.

Both narcissists and avoidants can leave you questioning your worth, walking on eggshells, or feeling starved of love. But the motivations behind their behaviour — and the impact on you — are not always the same.

Let’s break it down.

What Is an Avoidant?

Someone with an avoidant attachment style often craves love but feels unsafe when things get too close. As intimacy deepens, they may:

• Pull back emotionally.
• Avoid deep conversations.
• Distract themselves with work, hobbies, or even their phone.
• Say they need space or fear being “trapped.”

At their core, avoidants usually fear vulnerability. They don’t set out to manipulate — they’re often protecting themselves from old wounds or rejection. But the impact on their partner can still feel cold, lonely, and confusing.

What Is a Narcissist?

A narcissist’s behaviour is different. While avoidants retreat out of fear, narcissists often pull away — or lean in — to control, dominate, or feed their ego. Signs include:

• Love bombing followed by devaluation.
• Gaslighting (making you doubt your own reality).
• Blame-shifting or refusing accountability.
• A cycle of push–pull to keep you hooked.

Narcissists aren’t just uncomfortable with closeness — they thrive on power dynamics and may deliberately drain their partner’s sense of self.

The Overlap: Why It’s So Confusing

To the partner on the receiving end, both avoidants and narcissists can feel eerily similar:

• Hot one minute, cold the next.
• Avoidant of commitment.
• Emotionally unavailable.
• Leaving you feeling like you’re “not enough.”

That’s why so many people mistake avoidant behaviour for narcissism. The difference lies in intent:

• Avoidants hurt you by running from intimacy.
• Narcissists hurt you by controlling intimacy.

How to Tell the Difference

Ask yourself:

• Do they show genuine guilt or remorse when they hurt me?
• Do they ever try, even clumsily, to reconnect when they’ve pulled away?
• Are they capable of empathy, even if it comes out awkwardly?

If yes, you may be dealing with avoidant patterns.

 If no, and instead you see entitlement, manipulation, and no remorse — narcissism is more likely.

Why It Matters for Healing

Understanding the difference doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it empowers you.

• If it’s avoidance, therapy and self-awareness can help them change — but only if they want to.
• If it’s narcissism, lasting change is rare. Protecting yourself becomes the priority.

Either way, your healing means recognising that their patterns are about them, not your worth.

Final Thought

 Avoidants fear love will swallow them whole. Narcissists fear love will expose their weakness.

Neither dynamic is healthy, but knowing which one you’ve faced can help you stop blaming yourself and start rebuilding your life with clarity